Hi Rich.......

Hey you....

So Kat's back from her adventure in the Mt Shasta wilderness-broken arm and all. Of course, I already knew that you knew that..duh.

Sooo.... how beautiful is little Zoe? That girl is going to be magnificent. 

Chloe and Zoe..xoxoxxo

 Me and Zoe...she looks like Chloe with Chinese eyes ( okay Native American...close enough)

Do you remember how Chloe and Daphne were as babies - Chloe was speaking in full sentences by the the age of one. Well, this little baby is just like her mama-brilliant. Chloe is a wonderful mother, she is just like I was - meticulous, somewhat of a perfectionist.

Chloe and Taylor

By the way, Taylor just got accepted into the K9 unit....impressive. 

Jack, Daphne, Chloe and Taylor...last summer during family VA-CAY Bear Island.

These guys look like a damned Hallmark card...lots of white teeth and perfect smiles...lol

Daphne is something else-she has an immense amount of drive and ambition fueled by a very quick and intelligent mind. That child of ours has the capacity to achieve great things-I'm excited to see how her life unfolds. Not to mention that it seems that she has inherited my ultra bitch qualities-fortunately, she still maintains a genuine sense of fairness. 

Beautiful..Daph's self portrait

One of my favorites...Henry took this one (Julian's friend)

Uncle Ian and Zoe...a very proud and protective uncle.

Ian....OMG, he is so much like you. I love it-what a little charmer...a little awkward in the ladies department but....I think he will be fine. With Kat and Tito (my newest adoptive son..lol), Ian has a wonderful support. He is on Varsity Lacrosse and has been on the honor roll all year. I'm super proud of him, he is really working hard. Of course, I insist that he go to college like his sisters...after that, he can do whatever he wants as long as it's the right thing to do. With Chloe and Daphne as sisters, he doesn't really have a choice but to do the right thing. 

We all miss you so much, it's been such a struggle and I would give anything to have you back with us.  I could really use your help with Ian-he is at that age where he needs his dad. You were always good like that and I knew that I could count on you to  be there for those children. Sigh...I  really miss hearing your voice, seriously-I do. 

Do you believe...I miss your mother? You know when we saw her that summer-Daphne and I knew that something was wrong....all that anger that I was carrying was gone in an instant. I realized that she had never recovered from your loss-she was sad. Out of concern, Daphne was ready to move to NY so that she could take care of her. It was within a month that she was in the hospital...dying. Chloe came home and we headed to NY so the kids could see her for the last time. I called Katrina and brought her to the hospital-they made peace...which was nice. 

Anyway....

Regarding the matter of your passing things are moving along slowly, as expected. Any help would be greatly appreciated...we are all holding so tight to our grief - it's exhausting. Our children have been so incredibly strong yet, I know that underneath the facade-I sense a sweltering rage. Sometimes it scares me and I can feel my own suppressed rage bubbling up. 

Sigh again....

We love you very much....Please be vigilant and watch out for our children and grandchild...uggh, can you believe it-we are grandparents? 

Thank God for laser surgery, chemical peels et al. 

XOXO

Remember this picture...Daphne managed to get this from your mom before she died. I am so happy that we have it.

Back in the day

Richard Cebek...at the 5th Precinct NYPD 1989

nothing's changed..

it's 19 months since you left me. And still, the sadness grief and longing for you is immeasurable, beyond words. It only gets worse during Christmas, our fav. I'm beginning to accept the fact that this is the way it's gonna be. The question is if I can accept and live with it, and pretend everything's ok...

sadness, pain, LOVE and something new (to me) hate

the wound that i've been trying to deal with,heal, bury, camouflage, at best, was brutally torn open once again couple of weeks ago.
been trying to comprehend the meaning of nothing, been a robot, bury my thoughts in something just anything, been called the machine, robot,
nazi, you name it, i dont care, but even hardware will get rusty and stop- one day

i so been wanting to put this out there but the fucking pain has been so overwhelming, so i'll try now, because there's certain people who must hear this.
For anyone who doesnt know it by now Richie was THE LOVE of my life...it was meant to be..destiny, if you will. We talked about dying many a times, and
neither of us wanted to be the first to go..well he did, and left me here... i could go on and on about the absolute hate i have for humans after what
they did to Richie, the purest of gold, but there's a point to this gibberish right now

couple of weeks ago, i was doing a book release, and a party associated with that that started at 6pm sharp. i kept hearing snippets of" michael jackson tribune"???, which i brushed off,
again gibberish at that time (sometimes robots/machines dont compute)
was too busy dealing with cameras and "vips".
All the while, Ian, Richie's one and only son was calling me, incessantly, throughout the
night. Finally at 11pm I had "the time" to pick up the phone thinking this must be important (well, of course it was!!)
i said "what up Ian". he said "you know michael jackson died".I will never ever forget that conversation..again, i was a robot, on auto-pilot and tried
hard to be "the adult". i told him "Ian, you know how much your Dad loved Michael Jackson" and Ian, the wise old soul replied "yeah, and now Dad
is with him".
Is there anything in this world that could shatter your heart more than hearing that...
After the conversation with Ian I called our (my and Richie's) dear friend, who is a celebrity in his own right (ie busy, seldom around etc). and contrary
to the usual, he happened to pick up the phone. Naturally, he already knew what had happened, i believe i was the last person to learn the news- from
my 12 year old stepson-while surrounded by major media, wtf, i ask myself.

D asked me to come over to his house without hesitation. he was also at a party, but told me he'll leave and meet me. no fucking press or work mattered then..i left.
Got to darnells absolutely amazing homewas lit up with zillion candles, for MJ and Richie.. Wonderful familiar scent of his home immedieately
brought me back to good times(Richie, I and the few friend from years past),
we sat there til next day talking about Richie and how much we miss him, crying
I found a sanctuary there, by myself as he left town for few days. I holed up, cried and didnt leave his house for 3 days.

thank you darnell, you saved me that night.

"richie, all I wanna do is touch and kiss and wish that i could be with you tonight you give me butterflies tonight"
"Richie: while driving arcoss Brooklyn Bridge, u took my hand and sang "whatever happens dont let go of my hand" ",everything will be alright he assures"
every fucking song brings back beautiful, but such painful memories

Richie was my Knight in a shiny armor, he saved me..and that's a completely another story, going back 17 or so years. Instead of
being my knight he's my guardian angel now. He's so beautiful, so powerful, I thank you my love for watching over me but what now. there's no meaning to life anymore

Couple of people did me so wrong in my life and i always moved on thinking "they'll get theirs".
since a year ago I feel the hate (word i always disliked), but thanks to you motherfucking rotten no good scum of the earth, i feel hate. I want blood,
i wanna see you suffer for the rest of your lives the way i do, and Richie's kids. YOU KILLED THE BEST OF THEM ALL! you nor I, wont know for sure, how you are gonna
pay for it,but, someday, one day, i promise you will, i promise. one day, but this time i wanna see it..
the pain, grief guilt, and never ending sadness and longing you have caused to his family is immeasurable

i live to die to be with you again, my love. miss you so

Just visiting...

Daphne's last kiss......


Chloe and Richie in NY - Fall 2007

I think that there is something to be said about learning "anything", through the process of "trial and error" - not that this post has anything to do with trial and error.

I am generally a very impatient person and wasting precious time, really irks me - especially if it's my time being wasted. Of course I am a huge procrastinator when I don't want to do something - but aren't we all? Yup, I also commit the crime of wasting time.

I guess "patience" is one (out of many) of those charming life lessons that are so generously and lovingly allotted to us when we make that trip into our mothers womb. If you don't get my meaning, then you're a conscious retard.

Thus far I have come to believe and without a doubt, that the big G-O-D wants to know, feel and experience "how we handle" things.

For example:

Anger
Betrayal
Love
Disregard for human suffering
Selfishness
Compassion
Integrity
Honesty
Procrastination

etc...etc...etc...because "He" can. Anyway, what other purpose is there but to grow and evolve. If you don't believe me, go and corroborate it yourself by reading some religious texts during one of those "wasting time" moments, that we all do. In any particular religion - this is pretty standard G-O-D stuff.

Over the course of my life I have become so acutely aware of my deeply embedded character flaws, so much so that when I commit an act or thought that goes against my inherently spiritual nature - I get mentally sick and sometimes physically ill, even in righteous anger.

ON THAT NOTE......................(a Richie moment)

I definitely get sick (starting in anger followed by shame of the perpetrator/s) when I think of the absolute disregard that the individual/s responsible had for Rich, which had led to his demise. Rich, who had suffered pain and fear beyond what most of us could even imagine - at the very end asking (begging) for help and being ignored by some selfish pig, resembling what we'd like to think is a human being.

Oh boy.......(rage comes very fast when I recall all the events that led to Rich's death)

****My lesson: Acceptance, compassion....Uhhh...forgiveness????
****Remember that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction - this applies to every aspect of the known universe, including our souls.

Fortunately, our souls have power, power that is exponentially greater than all the physical universe. We can decide to do the right thing, think the right way and to not disregard what feels inherently wrong. We can change the course of an event with a mere gesture and yes, we can also change the outcome.

The Universe in all of it's chaotic Quantum-ness still has to follow the rules or the "order of operations". After all, the Universe doesn't say to itself "lets go fuck with earth", because it's selfish and mean. The universe is the structure, the net that holds us and it must maintain it's integrity in order for us to feel safe and to thrive. No, we are the ones who ignore the rules by committing irreverent acts - unlike the universe, we have a choice, we have free will... so there it is.

Shortly after his death, Chloe had a minor psychotic breakdown subsequent to an event in which her life was in danger and Richie had come (this is absolutely a true story) in his spirit form and saved her.
That story is for another day.
What happened after that, when she got home is heart wrenching and difficult to reconcile.

I put her to bed and she began to relay her experience sobbing with grief as she described how her father had come and rescued her. She did not leave out any detail as to the nature of their conversation. She described his ethereal and seemly visceral presence and his touch, while time as we perceive it had slowed down. In fact she remembered that during the 10 minute cab ride while talking with her father, time got funny and it practically stopped. I listened to every single word, every breath as she described every emotion and every physical detail - I could feel the goosebumps all over my body. She kept saying things like " Mom, he looks so handsome and I could feel him, his hand was warm...I was holding his hand, he was joking about something and I didn't think it was funny...I know it was only minutes but it was hours, time was different...it was days" over and over again. She remembers when the cab turned the corner onto 11th street and there my mother stood, frantically waiting for her outside of the house. Richie smiled and told her that he had to go, he told her that everything would be fine and that he loved her. She said "Mom, I held his hand so tight and begged him not to go...I held him with all my strength and then all of sudden he just gently pulled his hand out, kissed me and smiled. And just like that, he was gone" My mother relayed later after I told her the story - that she couldn't figure out why the cab driver looked as white as a ghost.
Anyway.......
At some point something changed in Chloe's demeanor, which startled and frightened me.
All of a sudden her eyes became her fathers eyes, her heart became her fathers heart and all the pain and fear he had experienced during his last hours started pouring out of my daughters mouth, like a waterfall.
I couldn't move, I was stunned.....the goosebumps started to replicate in a wave.

She started to describe what her father had experienced in detail, during the last 12 hours of his life. The thing is, the children were never told any of the details leading to his death. I was the only person who knew every detail. I can't explain, but lets just say it had been documented - Unfortunately, I cannot elaborate any further.

The person/s responsible cannot dismiss their actions, it doesn't work that way. Their actions at the time of the offense had already put Newton's third Law into effect, which applies to here on earth and wherever that other place is.

I do believe that the affront, could quite possibly - fall into the "mortal sin" category.

Uh,oh...I think you guys are in BIG trouble. I wouldn't trade places with you, even for a genie that could grant me three wishes.

The lesson:
1) I feel compassion for their soul (I must be evolving...phew)
2) Forgiveness?.................................................Oh FUCK, that's a tough one. Fortunately, I think I have a good 30-40 years to work on that one.

I'm pretty sure that I'll be here for a while as the big guy up there, likes to challenge me on a regular basis. Even though the recent cause of pain and grief live and thrive in my heart like a replicating virus, I seem to be handling it okay. In spite of the rock solid "denial" mechanism that I possess, I am still acutely aware that I need to revisit my feelings and "process" - fuck, I really hate that word...it's so PC - I think I'm going to throw up.

Redemption can be........a beautiful gift or as we note in Monopoly-land, it can be seen as a "get out of jail free" card (no pun intended).

Chloe said...

Hi faj!
so its kinda late and your on my mind. I don't want to write how much I miss you because thats obvious. well Ians bed just kinda collapsed and it made me think of how when you got an air bed there would be 92375874 holes in it from the cats and we would all sit on the bed trying to find "the one" hole, and when we taped it up we would still wake up on the ground. hahaha.
oh and one more thing!! so this morning guess what was on?? PATERNITY TESTS!!! ayways this woman was trying to prove that this guy was the father, and the baby was a girl. so the guy was like "the baby cant be mine because my doctor told me I can't make girls!" ahahahaha maury just about fell on the ground laughing when he got the results back and the guy was the dad. lol well I was just checking in. I haven't written here yet...and its kinda weird because I've never blogged but i'll try it for you i guessss. okay well I need to get in the shower, but I LOVE YOU very much as you know. and I could use a visit sometime soon...I'm kinda cracking a bit.
mwah mwah mwah x infinity.

p.s. watch mom while shes in turkey please! keep her ooper safe =)
love you and thanks a bundle faj.

it's the eve of the Eve

Just got back from my travels...Richie, thank you for watching over me, once again-helping me find the perfect parking spot, making me slow down when the boogie-man was hiding in the bushes with his radar, not hydro-gliding on icy lane etc etc

Tomorrow will be the first Eve without you, my love, in 10 years.

Tomorrow will be ten years exactly from the day we got engaged  by exchanging gold bands, "in secrecy and under covers and when everyone else was asleep", giggling and in love like two teenagers. Celebrating the lost love found again

Joeboo (our cat, our baby),remembers all 8 years of his life full of joy with you, and misssssses you, just as much as the rest of us. After all, who can ever play "choo-choo train" or "machine gun" with him like you did? I try...so hard...but it ain't the same (Joeboo tells me so). 

And who always had the patience and the calm to let Joeboo sleep curled up under his arm, with his arm wrapped around him?? None but you.

What he's got now is all of your empty side in my bed next to me

Richie, please bring us, your family (your kids, Natasha and I), Christmas joy and some of your peace tomorrow, by being with us...

Thank you

xoxo your "Cosmic Girl"

 

A visit

The other day I went over to Richie's house (his grave - what an awful word..ugggh) Well, it is what it is.

So, we planted a Japanese Queen Maple right above where his headstone will be (haven't gotten the headstone yet). This tree is a weeping red maple and I suspect that when it is full grown, it will be a sight indeed. Anyway, during our most recent blizzard, I took a walk down to the graveyard and amidst the flurry of white-there stood the red maple, like a beacon.

The last six months or so have been so gray and foggy - it's been very difficult realizing Rich is gone. I keep hearinghis voice echoing around my brain, maybe he's trying to talk to me or perhaps I'm just trying to remember what his voice sounds like.

Merry Christmas Richie !!!

eternal love (to Richie)

During the day you are my friend

I come to you with my stories, questions, and problems

I want to share with you

I need to share with you.

At night you are my lover

No longer are we two separate beings

Our souls touch and become one

We feed on the strength of our love

Your loving heart, one of a kind, was shattered

Slowly into million pieces

And then came a day - it could bare no more

of this worldly pain

But your beautiful spirit

No one could take that from you.

It will live on - forever

Privileged to know you and understand you

I will go on telling your legacy

I thank you for letting me in

I so miss my best friend, my lover, my soulmate

Why did you go so soon, so suddenly, so young

When grief becomes despair, you comfort me

But, why did you leave me here, my love

I will only live for the day I die

To be with you once again

My Eternal Love

june 7 08

it's been 6 months and 14 days...

yes, there are lots of good days, but the fact is, that the deepest of sadness, the kind I never knew even existed, and the longing for my soulmate 

and best friend, don't seem to get any less or easier as days go by. 

Not too long after Richie died, I was talkingto Kristina, (Richie's ex mother-in-law) who lost her husband, Jules, last year. I asked her if time heals and eases the despair and sorrow, and her answer was short and clear: no, never. Not the answer I had hoped for, and I now have come to realize what

she meant...

It's the holiday season now.Time to spend with your loved ones-ughh. I was dreading Thanksgiving, but I guess life has to go on, and it did, 

with my "remaining" loved ones.

Chloe and I "slaved away", cooking all day-oh, sorryyyy, Nat did make a yummy stuffing, and I believe some chestnuts did actually make it into the mix, 

and not into her mouth (remember "I love Lucy" at the chocolate factory conveyor belt?)

Anyhow, all day I thought what could I possibly be so grateful for right now??! after such a trying year and unimaginable tragedy.

The obvious, such as good health etc., aside, I told everyone as we sat down to start our dinner "Our lives have been overshadowed by the ultimate loss and gut-wrenching grief but, not a day goes by that I'd forget to thank Richie for this beautiful family I gained!"

That's what I'm forever grateful for.

Only wish he'd be here to be part of our lives. But then again, 

in different ways and without any doubt, we all feel his presence and sense him here, in our lives- and dreams- especially when we most need him. 

He possessed, and has demonstrated he still does, such an awesome spiritual strenght, "the power", as he and I called it. No one really knew about it, as he felt uncomfortable talking about it, to anyone. Richie being so powerful and insightful, even called his own death. I brushed it off knowing he would never commit suicide or leave his most precious, his kids, fatherless. However, I never took in consideration that his death may not be 

his doing, but caused by motherfucking wanna-be-law-enforcement-officers, ought-to-be-law-abiding monsters. Well, let me tell you fucks! Richie was a 

true police officer!, in a world of TRUE crime. Putting his life on the line every single fucking day, defending the helpless and needy. Never a ballbuster, unless warrantied (when faced with REAL scumbags, ok??). That's a cop, you hear, Mass state poopers- you are NOBODY, you are NOTHING!! And if it was up to me-----you'd never see a light of the day again, because I'm out for blood if only...well, let's let you guess...no, actually-  that would be too easy of an exit for you fuckers. I wanna see you live in misery and despair for the rest of your lives, you hear??- the kind you have caused this family, fair?!

Furthermore, to become and be accepted as one of NYPD's elite unit, the Harbor Unit, is close to impossible-without a great record and recommendations from up above. Richie got all that and more. He was never fired, but resigned with honors, pension etc- why, a personal matter, but also, because he was ALL ABOUT honor- and respect!, and overbearing kindness, and humility.

Respect-that word gets thrown out there so freely it's nauseating and has devalued it's meaning, but Richie was one person I know who upheld the true meaning of it- it was my husband's middle name, as they say it. And all he had to do...was to name "a name"-which true to his character he wouldn't, instead, he resigned, ok?! 

How do I know, for sure for sure for sure, as I'm sure some people are asking- because I was there, literally!

I've come across couple of people, who would dared to speak out of line about you, or judged you,or tried to tarnish your character. But these are the unfortunate ones who never got to know you, or are driven by their own malicious objectives. So- that is and has been, and always will be my mission and promise to you-to uphold your legacy and honor, 

as best as I only can, and tell the sometimes insignificant but most beautiful and touching,sometimes funny stories about you - to the selected few..

I miss you, my love. I miss you so much, and still have days, moments when I simply cannot comprehend the fact that you are dead. 

Like I said at your funeral here in VT, "I live for the day I die, and see you again, my love". I truly cannot wait for that day, because, well, my love, I wanna be

at peace too, with you...

Thank you Natasha, Chloe, Daphne, Ian, and Kristina. I do not know what I would have done without your-beautiful-selves. I love you

Sorrow....

June 17, 2008





The last time, his children,Katrina (wife) and I saw him alive...Daphne's graduation - May 24, 2008


Yeah right...whatever.It's been awhile to say the least, but alas much has happened in the ways of my world.
My children's father just died and needless to say, I am still in a bit of shock and disbelief. I'm trying to deny every feeling, every memory lest I explode in a heaping pile of intense grief.

Richard was one of my oldest friends, the father of my children and (in retrospect) one of the most giving people I have ever known. Aside from the fact that I have been furious with him oh...for about 10 years - after all he was by far, the most annoying person I have ever known. Not to mention that he never paid child support..except for maybe one year. What would be more valuable - Calling his children almost every single day, saying good night and I love you or a monthly check? Sometimes it is important to look at how a person interacts with his world, what he able to give from himself rather than placing a monetary value on his contribution.
I am so angry right now, that I have to check myself constantly so as not to lash out at the innocent.
I am angry at myself for being so mad at him during Daphne's graduation..after all he was stoned out of his mind, why shouldn't I be mad. He kissed me on my cheek that day and said "Love you Tash" At the time, I didn't recognize the importance of that moment..my heart is torn up. I went to his house in NY, the last thing he wrote on his calendar was my birthday..more pain, more guilt
what the fuck!!!!!!
Was I a good friend? I can't remember..I don't want to! I don't want to remember anything bad that I ever said or did to him.

Why the fuck are we (people) so fucking selfish, I keep asking myself the same thing over and over again "Was I compassionate? Was I fair?"
I am angry and I don't want to go back into the ocean, I don't like it there. I know he's here, I can sense his presence (in an ethereal sort of way), I just wish he would talk to me, visit in a dream perhaps. I suppose that won't happen until I go back in that fucking water and feel, ugggghhhh!!!

June 20, 2008

Still in lots and lots of denial...yesterday was my birthday - yes I had a party most of my friends we're there..but...but... but I couldn't help but look at my phone like every 5 minutes waiting for any echo of Richie calling to wish me a happy birthday or rather, giving me a serenade (pathetically of course) of an off key version of "Happy Birthday to you...." 20 years of Happy Birthday serenades.

I don't think that I mentioned that Richard died in the custody of the Greenfield, Massachusetts jail in Franklyn County. He was picked up on the way back from graduation for being too stoned. Naturally we all were so elated...now he could get help,get into rehab..etc... I even said Massachusetts is so progressive..yeah! we'll have Richie back.

BOY WAS I FUCKING WRONG!!!

Like every other typical law enforcement agency in the whole fucking world (because they all walk on water, after all) They are "the judgement" and "the protectors" of all men...Ohhhh the self righteous and sinless law enforcement of mankind.

The kicker is that the administration of the Franklin County jail in Greenfield, Massachusetts didn't even allow us to see Richie while he was dying (unimaginable)....of course not, after all they had to cover their lily white - self righteous asses by having a "lets get our story straight" conference, while Chloe, Katrina and I waited and waited and waited (while Richie was DYING) oh yes we waited, while they seemingly didn't give a shit. By the time the Warden, two district attorneys, two state police officers (one was a LT) the nurse from the medical unit (who apparently doesn't have a clue about how people should be detoxed-what a fucking moron..she should have her license revoked) and a few stray Correction idiots decided to grace us with their morally correct selves, Rich was pretty much dead according to his death certificate...hmmm, how odd considering he was supposedly still alive two hours after he was pronounced dead (according to the jail admin.).

Here's a message to all the employees of the Franklin County Jail in Greenfield Massachusetts (yes that is all you are .... employees, you fucks!) There is NO EXCUSE for what has happened - people don't die from detox anymore, more often they die from neglect. You killed a father and a friend...FUCK YOU and may you suffer 100 times the pain and grief of what my children have! I hope these pictures burn in your collective memories until the day you all die...Cowards!!!!



July 22, 2008

Regarding the July 18th letter...Thank you for letting us know that there are people out there who still have compassionate hearts and an understanding of what is just. Please know that it is difficult to express (in this forum) the gratitude and appreciation we, as a family feel - in having read your letter. The heartfelt condolences and genuine concern regarding Richard's death confirm to me, that your integrity gives me hope that Richard did not die in vain and that his life was indeed valuable..
Geee...I hope I'm making sense, my brain has been having some difficulty in the "articulation" department - to be expected, I suppose.
Thank you again
- Natasha

Katrina and I have spent countless hours speculating as to what actually happened to Richie...what was going through his mind during those final moments. When I start thinking about how much he must have suffered - alone in a cell...I can't help but feel this heart wrenching sense of despair, which shifts to rage. It has been very hard to reconcile what has happened.
The other day I was helping Ian clean his room. At one point I glanced over to make sure he wasn't shoving his toys under the bed (his version of cleaning up). Anyway, he was kneeling next to his bed, holding a picture of his dad barely 2 inches from his face - he was just sitting there. I could see the tears welling up in his eyes, I could feel his pain and sadness - You know sometimes being a mother really sucks shit, especially when your children are suffering. As parents, Rich and I had always felt a deep symbiotic connection with our children - so this makes everything so much harder.



An email from Rachel to the Girls - June 3, 2008

Dear Daphne and Chloe,

I'm writing to you both because I was witness to both of your births and because I have known your parents since they were about six years old. Not only do I want you to know how sorry I am for the loss of your father ,but I want you to know that he was not always the person that he became due to his addiction.
My earliest memories of your father were when he was about 7 or 8, he had an Afro then (not the Michael Jackson look - yet). He always had a giant smile on his face and always said hello in a very animated sweet way. I am 6 years older than him, by the way. He was a very sensitive child in a very harsh environment. He had to contend with two older siblings that were both addicted to heroin and the streets - which were definitely not as they are today in New York. Eleventh Street wasn't the worst in the area ,but it was plagued by drugs,pimps ,hookers, dilapidated buildings and rats. Your father was very cute when he was little and was often called "Coffee Bean". He would go home crying alot because he was picked on. Your mother was fortunate to be more protected , however as you well know that didn't stop her from eventually getting sucked into the addiction either. I would say his happiest years were his teenage years, and the first couple of years after your births. I think the guys (Jesus ,Willie, Anthony,Jeffrey, Raul , Freddie and little Pete) were his salvation at that time. They were wild and they had fun (they could still tell you stories - for days). One thing that they all knew is that they had to do something with their lives or they would end up like the many of the older kids (my age group), who had died so young. Just ask Big Pete, his wife and 10 year old son were two of the casualties. Your father was very "happy go Lucky" at the time and boy oh boy - he was funny. When he was accepted into the NYC police department - he was so proud of himself, somehow it gave him a sense of hope. His greatest joy however, was his children.
Chloe when you were born I was 9 months pregnant with Mark and he was due the 28th also. I was sitting on a stool next to your mother's bed holding her leg. the doctor is sitting in front of her cooch with your head crowning. Your father is pacing back and forth. You took forever to come out and of course, your father is joking non-stop. He says " doc why don't you grab it and just pull it out it 'll have a long neck like E.T. ,but I'll still love it." Finally...you came out and Rich sees your head (girrrl you had a Big square head - we have pictures to prove it) he then tells your mother he could drive train down there. Of course your mother is saying "shut the F*** Up Richie" every 5 minutes ,but he was funny you couldn't help laughing. Daphne you came out much faster and again I was holding your mother's leg. Your dad had a prisoner handcuffed to some hospital railing one flight down - he was running in between your mom in labor and his prisoner. Finally ( like 2 seconds after being admitted into the hospital) You literally- came flying out and your father is yelling " doc don't fumble... catch her" - BTW, your Dad was an amazing football player. Did you know that he was recruited by Syracuse University (maybe it was Ithaca??, I can't remember now..it was one of the two) to play football. I just mentioned it because he used the word "fumble" and seriously, you shot out like a football. He was a wonderful father, with the both of you when were little and throughout much of your lives. He was so proud of you both and to be blessed with such beautiful and smart children. At this time, he wasn't immersed in his addiction - that came later.
He was really a sweet loving man - who got tangled in a web of addiction that overpowered him - and eventually it took over his life. He didn't have the internal strength or support that your mother did to climb out of the pit. Even though his struggle became worse - I HAVE NO DOUBT in my mind - that his love for you and your brother was as strong as it was the day's you were born.....even though he may not have shown it the way he should have. Daphne please know that he stayed long enough to see you graduate- to see all of you thriving in Vermont. If there is one thing that I know about your father, death will not stop him from sitting on your shoulder's while watching over you, cracking jokes etc with Alex and Jules. He is finally free, he can laugh again and if you find things being moved in the house don't be surprised that it's him playing jokes again. My love and prayers are with you both and your mother and Ian. Remember the good times always, nobody can ever take away your memories......All three of you were your father's greatest achievement, I see him in all of you.
Much love,
Rachel

August 1, 2008

"Half Breed" was the other nickname Rich had as a kid. His father was an extremely dark man from Barbados and his mother - as white as one can get from Czekoslavakia. So Rich was a beautiful genetic combination of both parents. When he was born, his mother did not want her mother to know that she had a mixed child - as her other children were all from a different father and they where all acceptably white. So she had Richie's birth certificate state that Johnny (his older brother) was the father - although I can't see how having your own son put on the birth certificate looks any better as the father of his brother?. Anyway, it was crazy - I can't make sense of what that woman was thinking. As for Richie's father he was sort of a "Mr.Suave" type of guy, who drove a flashy convertable..you know the type. I think that the first time Rich met his dad was when I found him in 1991 after Daphne was born - he was just over the river in New Jersey. After Rich left the Police department, we decided to move to Barbados - at the suggestion of his father. Richie had a whole slew of brothers and sisters in Barbados that he didn't know about. The oldest sister was married to the Minister of Finance (at the time) and she gladly welcomed us into their home. In our correspondence prior to going, his sister's husband had offered to arrange for Richard to work for the government in the border patrol....We were so stoned that we forgot all about the job offer. When we arrived on the island with Chloe and Daphne, they wouldn't let us through customs because we had only bought one way tickets...DUH What a nightmare until his brother in law showed up with a small entourage of "important people on a tiny island" and after a rather quick meeting with the customs officials- our passports were stamped and we received a Visa that allowed us to stay for 6 months, I think. Talk about knowing people in high places. Oh yeah, I guess I didn't mention that I happened to be carrying ohhhh, maybe 5 grams of heroin on my person (we were addicted at this point)...How dumb was Natasha?????
I must of forgotten about my then favorite movie "midnight express" and what happened to that guy. Of course we were on the island of Barbados - a far cry from Turkey.
Needless to say, I was extremely fortunate in that the police dogs (less than fifteen feet away from me) must of been slacking that day.
Now at that time, Rich was still a NY police officer working in the somewhat "elite" Harbor unit, he had not yet resigned - lets call it an extended leave of absence. Well lets just say that regardless of what the eventual outcome was going to be in regard to his job - being a NYC PO (in whatever context) still had it's merit and there were always a few "get out of jail free" cards laying around.
Anyway, we lasted about a month on the island - Barbados is certainly not on my top ten list of fabulous places to go.
I should try to get in touch with his sisters though, just to let them know what has happened....arrgggh, what a drag.
BTW, here's a picture of Rich when he worked in the 5th precinct (Chinatown)...
It's not a great picture, it's a scan off of a scan. I think we have better ones in storage somewhere.
Well, we're off to Bear Island - the little crumbsnatchers (Ian and his pals), the dogs and I...oh joy of joys. There is nothing like 3 hyper boys, 2 hyper dogs - my sometimes hysterical mom - Jeff, who loves to insult me (behind my back) - The Hammonds (who are actually normal and pleasant to be around) on an island. Maybe I'll feign sickness, so that everyone just leaves me alone. It's a beautiful day, what the hell - we'll be on an island and fishing too!!!

Here's a pretty pix of Chloe and Rich - on her 2nd birthday. ..and just think you fucking assholes, she will never have the chance to experience a similar scenario...and gee who in the world is going to walk her down the aisle when she gets married..well we can cross one person off....hmmmmm, yup that would be her father.
Yeah!!!!
bring on the pain and tears...how cleansing. Not that we needed any cleansing, but what the heck - why not.

Oh by the way, I wanted to thank the staff of the Greenfield jail for their outstanding "compassion" skills, impeccable manners and those silly little courtesies like "We are so sorry that this has happened, please accept our condolences"
Nope, not a one....anything. (well we did get condolences from one person) Your mommies did not train you well..shame shame.

August 3, 2008 - Something about Katrina....

Katrina and I were talking last night (again), about Richie. You know what the best part of having Katrina here is? Her and I, can totally talk about the weirdest things in regard to Rich, like his strange personality quirks or his "kindness" factor - when he was a cop..to name a few and we totally get it.

It's the strangest thing, this woman (Richard's wife) and I have become such good friends..almost like sisters. Although we have coined a phrase that labels our relationship - we are in essence: "Wife in Laws"....c'mon, how good is that?

There is nobody that I can talk to about my relationship with Rich, that understands like Katrina and vice versa.

NOTE: Ladies, if you can make friends with your ex's current wife or love - you'd be surprised if not elated with the friendship that could evolve. Of course, the ex might not be so keene with that idea - after all, men are such babies (sorry guys, but you really are)

Anyway, considering my memory really sucks (all those drugs, obviously did some damage) - Kat and I help each other to remember our own personal experiences with Rich. It used to be that when I couldn't remember something from the last 20 years, I could call Richie and he could give me every detail, down to the date and time...ahhh, I will miss his memory.

I still can't believe that he is gone...I keep having to remind myself that Rich is gone forever and it is like being socked in the heart anew - each time I have to acknowledge his death.

Every time I allow myself to think about what happened to him in the last 24 hours of his life...I squinch my eyes (in order to stop the tears), I scream and force myself to think of something else. Oh, it was horrible...imagine being all alone for hours and hours in a cell..suffering from one seizure to another - no human contact, no dignity, no concern...nothing. What was he thinking and feeling and at what point did he stop thinking.
(OH BOY, my blood pressure is rising again...rage) I need to stop.
Time to play scrabble and zone out.