Just visiting...

Daphne's last kiss......


Chloe and Richie in NY - Fall 2007

I think that there is something to be said about learning "anything", through the process of "trial and error" - not that this post has anything to do with trial and error.

I am generally a very impatient person and wasting precious time, really irks me - especially if it's my time being wasted. Of course I am a huge procrastinator when I don't want to do something - but aren't we all? Yup, I also commit the crime of wasting time.

I guess "patience" is one (out of many) of those charming life lessons that are so generously and lovingly allotted to us when we make that trip into our mothers womb. If you don't get my meaning, then you're a conscious retard.

Thus far I have come to believe and without a doubt, that the big G-O-D wants to know, feel and experience "how we handle" things.

For example:

Anger
Betrayal
Love
Disregard for human suffering
Selfishness
Compassion
Integrity
Honesty
Procrastination

etc...etc...etc...because "He" can. Anyway, what other purpose is there but to grow and evolve. If you don't believe me, go and corroborate it yourself by reading some religious texts during one of those "wasting time" moments, that we all do. In any particular religion - this is pretty standard G-O-D stuff.

Over the course of my life I have become so acutely aware of my deeply embedded character flaws, so much so that when I commit an act or thought that goes against my inherently spiritual nature - I get mentally sick and sometimes physically ill, even in righteous anger.

ON THAT NOTE......................(a Richie moment)

I definitely get sick (starting in anger followed by shame of the perpetrator/s) when I think of the absolute disregard that the individual/s responsible had for Rich, which had led to his demise. Rich, who had suffered pain and fear beyond what most of us could even imagine - at the very end asking (begging) for help and being ignored by some selfish pig, resembling what we'd like to think is a human being.

Oh boy.......(rage comes very fast when I recall all the events that led to Rich's death)

****My lesson: Acceptance, compassion....Uhhh...forgiveness????
****Remember that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction - this applies to every aspect of the known universe, including our souls.

Fortunately, our souls have power, power that is exponentially greater than all the physical universe. We can decide to do the right thing, think the right way and to not disregard what feels inherently wrong. We can change the course of an event with a mere gesture and yes, we can also change the outcome.

The Universe in all of it's chaotic Quantum-ness still has to follow the rules or the "order of operations". After all, the Universe doesn't say to itself "lets go fuck with earth", because it's selfish and mean. The universe is the structure, the net that holds us and it must maintain it's integrity in order for us to feel safe and to thrive. No, we are the ones who ignore the rules by committing irreverent acts - unlike the universe, we have a choice, we have free will... so there it is.

Shortly after his death, Chloe had a minor psychotic breakdown subsequent to an event in which her life was in danger and Richie had come (this is absolutely a true story) in his spirit form and saved her.
That story is for another day.
What happened after that, when she got home is heart wrenching and difficult to reconcile.

I put her to bed and she began to relay her experience sobbing with grief as she described how her father had come and rescued her. She did not leave out any detail as to the nature of their conversation. She described his ethereal and seemly visceral presence and his touch, while time as we perceive it had slowed down. In fact she remembered that during the 10 minute cab ride while talking with her father, time got funny and it practically stopped. I listened to every single word, every breath as she described every emotion and every physical detail - I could feel the goosebumps all over my body. She kept saying things like " Mom, he looks so handsome and I could feel him, his hand was warm...I was holding his hand, he was joking about something and I didn't think it was funny...I know it was only minutes but it was hours, time was different...it was days" over and over again. She remembers when the cab turned the corner onto 11th street and there my mother stood, frantically waiting for her outside of the house. Richie smiled and told her that he had to go, he told her that everything would be fine and that he loved her. She said "Mom, I held his hand so tight and begged him not to go...I held him with all my strength and then all of sudden he just gently pulled his hand out, kissed me and smiled. And just like that, he was gone" My mother relayed later after I told her the story - that she couldn't figure out why the cab driver looked as white as a ghost.
Anyway.......
At some point something changed in Chloe's demeanor, which startled and frightened me.
All of a sudden her eyes became her fathers eyes, her heart became her fathers heart and all the pain and fear he had experienced during his last hours started pouring out of my daughters mouth, like a waterfall.
I couldn't move, I was stunned.....the goosebumps started to replicate in a wave.

She started to describe what her father had experienced in detail, during the last 12 hours of his life. The thing is, the children were never told any of the details leading to his death. I was the only person who knew every detail. I can't explain, but lets just say it had been documented - Unfortunately, I cannot elaborate any further.

The person/s responsible cannot dismiss their actions, it doesn't work that way. Their actions at the time of the offense had already put Newton's third Law into effect, which applies to here on earth and wherever that other place is.

I do believe that the affront, could quite possibly - fall into the "mortal sin" category.

Uh,oh...I think you guys are in BIG trouble. I wouldn't trade places with you, even for a genie that could grant me three wishes.

The lesson:
1) I feel compassion for their soul (I must be evolving...phew)
2) Forgiveness?.................................................Oh FUCK, that's a tough one. Fortunately, I think I have a good 30-40 years to work on that one.

I'm pretty sure that I'll be here for a while as the big guy up there, likes to challenge me on a regular basis. Even though the recent cause of pain and grief live and thrive in my heart like a replicating virus, I seem to be handling it okay. In spite of the rock solid "denial" mechanism that I possess, I am still acutely aware that I need to revisit my feelings and "process" - fuck, I really hate that word...it's so PC - I think I'm going to throw up.

Redemption can be........a beautiful gift or as we note in Monopoly-land, it can be seen as a "get out of jail free" card (no pun intended).