nothing's changed..

it's 19 months since you left me. And still, the sadness grief and longing for you is immeasurable, beyond words. It only gets worse during Christmas, our fav. I'm beginning to accept the fact that this is the way it's gonna be. The question is if I can accept and live with it, and pretend everything's ok...

sadness, pain, LOVE and something new (to me) hate

the wound that i've been trying to deal with,heal, bury, camouflage, at best, was brutally torn open once again couple of weeks ago.
been trying to comprehend the meaning of nothing, been a robot, bury my thoughts in something just anything, been called the machine, robot,
nazi, you name it, i dont care, but even hardware will get rusty and stop- one day

i so been wanting to put this out there but the fucking pain has been so overwhelming, so i'll try now, because there's certain people who must hear this.
For anyone who doesnt know it by now Richie was THE LOVE of my life...it was meant to be..destiny, if you will. We talked about dying many a times, and
neither of us wanted to be the first to go..well he did, and left me here... i could go on and on about the absolute hate i have for humans after what
they did to Richie, the purest of gold, but there's a point to this gibberish right now

couple of weeks ago, i was doing a book release, and a party associated with that that started at 6pm sharp. i kept hearing snippets of" michael jackson tribune"???, which i brushed off,
again gibberish at that time (sometimes robots/machines dont compute)
was too busy dealing with cameras and "vips".
All the while, Ian, Richie's one and only son was calling me, incessantly, throughout the
night. Finally at 11pm I had "the time" to pick up the phone thinking this must be important (well, of course it was!!)
i said "what up Ian". he said "you know michael jackson died".I will never ever forget that conversation..again, i was a robot, on auto-pilot and tried
hard to be "the adult". i told him "Ian, you know how much your Dad loved Michael Jackson" and Ian, the wise old soul replied "yeah, and now Dad
is with him".
Is there anything in this world that could shatter your heart more than hearing that...
After the conversation with Ian I called our (my and Richie's) dear friend, who is a celebrity in his own right (ie busy, seldom around etc). and contrary
to the usual, he happened to pick up the phone. Naturally, he already knew what had happened, i believe i was the last person to learn the news- from
my 12 year old stepson-while surrounded by major media, wtf, i ask myself.

D asked me to come over to his house without hesitation. he was also at a party, but told me he'll leave and meet me. no fucking press or work mattered then..i left.
Got to darnells absolutely amazing homewas lit up with zillion candles, for MJ and Richie.. Wonderful familiar scent of his home immedieately
brought me back to good times(Richie, I and the few friend from years past),
we sat there til next day talking about Richie and how much we miss him, crying
I found a sanctuary there, by myself as he left town for few days. I holed up, cried and didnt leave his house for 3 days.

thank you darnell, you saved me that night.

"richie, all I wanna do is touch and kiss and wish that i could be with you tonight you give me butterflies tonight"
"Richie: while driving arcoss Brooklyn Bridge, u took my hand and sang "whatever happens dont let go of my hand" ",everything will be alright he assures"
every fucking song brings back beautiful, but such painful memories

Richie was my Knight in a shiny armor, he saved me..and that's a completely another story, going back 17 or so years. Instead of
being my knight he's my guardian angel now. He's so beautiful, so powerful, I thank you my love for watching over me but what now. there's no meaning to life anymore

Couple of people did me so wrong in my life and i always moved on thinking "they'll get theirs".
since a year ago I feel the hate (word i always disliked), but thanks to you motherfucking rotten no good scum of the earth, i feel hate. I want blood,
i wanna see you suffer for the rest of your lives the way i do, and Richie's kids. YOU KILLED THE BEST OF THEM ALL! you nor I, wont know for sure, how you are gonna
pay for it,but, someday, one day, i promise you will, i promise. one day, but this time i wanna see it..
the pain, grief guilt, and never ending sadness and longing you have caused to his family is immeasurable

i live to die to be with you again, my love. miss you so

Just visiting...

Daphne's last kiss......


Chloe and Richie in NY - Fall 2007

I think that there is something to be said about learning "anything", through the process of "trial and error" - not that this post has anything to do with trial and error.

I am generally a very impatient person and wasting precious time, really irks me - especially if it's my time being wasted. Of course I am a huge procrastinator when I don't want to do something - but aren't we all? Yup, I also commit the crime of wasting time.

I guess "patience" is one (out of many) of those charming life lessons that are so generously and lovingly allotted to us when we make that trip into our mothers womb. If you don't get my meaning, then you're a conscious retard.

Thus far I have come to believe and without a doubt, that the big G-O-D wants to know, feel and experience "how we handle" things.

For example:

Anger
Betrayal
Love
Disregard for human suffering
Selfishness
Compassion
Integrity
Honesty
Procrastination

etc...etc...etc...because "He" can. Anyway, what other purpose is there but to grow and evolve. If you don't believe me, go and corroborate it yourself by reading some religious texts during one of those "wasting time" moments, that we all do. In any particular religion - this is pretty standard G-O-D stuff.

Over the course of my life I have become so acutely aware of my deeply embedded character flaws, so much so that when I commit an act or thought that goes against my inherently spiritual nature - I get mentally sick and sometimes physically ill, even in righteous anger.

ON THAT NOTE......................(a Richie moment)

I definitely get sick (starting in anger followed by shame of the perpetrator/s) when I think of the absolute disregard that the individual/s responsible had for Rich, which had led to his demise. Rich, who had suffered pain and fear beyond what most of us could even imagine - at the very end asking (begging) for help and being ignored by some selfish pig, resembling what we'd like to think is a human being.

Oh boy.......(rage comes very fast when I recall all the events that led to Rich's death)

****My lesson: Acceptance, compassion....Uhhh...forgiveness????
****Remember that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction - this applies to every aspect of the known universe, including our souls.

Fortunately, our souls have power, power that is exponentially greater than all the physical universe. We can decide to do the right thing, think the right way and to not disregard what feels inherently wrong. We can change the course of an event with a mere gesture and yes, we can also change the outcome.

The Universe in all of it's chaotic Quantum-ness still has to follow the rules or the "order of operations". After all, the Universe doesn't say to itself "lets go fuck with earth", because it's selfish and mean. The universe is the structure, the net that holds us and it must maintain it's integrity in order for us to feel safe and to thrive. No, we are the ones who ignore the rules by committing irreverent acts - unlike the universe, we have a choice, we have free will... so there it is.

Shortly after his death, Chloe had a minor psychotic breakdown subsequent to an event in which her life was in danger and Richie had come (this is absolutely a true story) in his spirit form and saved her.
That story is for another day.
What happened after that, when she got home is heart wrenching and difficult to reconcile.

I put her to bed and she began to relay her experience sobbing with grief as she described how her father had come and rescued her. She did not leave out any detail as to the nature of their conversation. She described his ethereal and seemly visceral presence and his touch, while time as we perceive it had slowed down. In fact she remembered that during the 10 minute cab ride while talking with her father, time got funny and it practically stopped. I listened to every single word, every breath as she described every emotion and every physical detail - I could feel the goosebumps all over my body. She kept saying things like " Mom, he looks so handsome and I could feel him, his hand was warm...I was holding his hand, he was joking about something and I didn't think it was funny...I know it was only minutes but it was hours, time was different...it was days" over and over again. She remembers when the cab turned the corner onto 11th street and there my mother stood, frantically waiting for her outside of the house. Richie smiled and told her that he had to go, he told her that everything would be fine and that he loved her. She said "Mom, I held his hand so tight and begged him not to go...I held him with all my strength and then all of sudden he just gently pulled his hand out, kissed me and smiled. And just like that, he was gone" My mother relayed later after I told her the story - that she couldn't figure out why the cab driver looked as white as a ghost.
Anyway.......
At some point something changed in Chloe's demeanor, which startled and frightened me.
All of a sudden her eyes became her fathers eyes, her heart became her fathers heart and all the pain and fear he had experienced during his last hours started pouring out of my daughters mouth, like a waterfall.
I couldn't move, I was stunned.....the goosebumps started to replicate in a wave.

She started to describe what her father had experienced in detail, during the last 12 hours of his life. The thing is, the children were never told any of the details leading to his death. I was the only person who knew every detail. I can't explain, but lets just say it had been documented - Unfortunately, I cannot elaborate any further.

The person/s responsible cannot dismiss their actions, it doesn't work that way. Their actions at the time of the offense had already put Newton's third Law into effect, which applies to here on earth and wherever that other place is.

I do believe that the affront, could quite possibly - fall into the "mortal sin" category.

Uh,oh...I think you guys are in BIG trouble. I wouldn't trade places with you, even for a genie that could grant me three wishes.

The lesson:
1) I feel compassion for their soul (I must be evolving...phew)
2) Forgiveness?.................................................Oh FUCK, that's a tough one. Fortunately, I think I have a good 30-40 years to work on that one.

I'm pretty sure that I'll be here for a while as the big guy up there, likes to challenge me on a regular basis. Even though the recent cause of pain and grief live and thrive in my heart like a replicating virus, I seem to be handling it okay. In spite of the rock solid "denial" mechanism that I possess, I am still acutely aware that I need to revisit my feelings and "process" - fuck, I really hate that word...it's so PC - I think I'm going to throw up.

Redemption can be........a beautiful gift or as we note in Monopoly-land, it can be seen as a "get out of jail free" card (no pun intended).