sadness, pain, LOVE and something new (to me) hate

the wound that i've been trying to deal with,heal, bury, camouflage, at best, was brutally torn open once again couple of weeks ago.
been trying to comprehend the meaning of nothing, been a robot, bury my thoughts in something just anything, been called the machine, robot,
nazi, you name it, i dont care, but even hardware will get rusty and stop- one day

i so been wanting to put this out there but the fucking pain has been so overwhelming, so i'll try now, because there's certain people who must hear this.
For anyone who doesnt know it by now Richie was THE LOVE of my life...it was meant to be..destiny, if you will. We talked about dying many a times, and
neither of us wanted to be the first to go..well he did, and left me here... i could go on and on about the absolute hate i have for humans after what
they did to Richie, the purest of gold, but there's a point to this gibberish right now

couple of weeks ago, i was doing a book release, and a party associated with that that started at 6pm sharp. i kept hearing snippets of" michael jackson tribune"???, which i brushed off,
again gibberish at that time (sometimes robots/machines dont compute)
was too busy dealing with cameras and "vips".
All the while, Ian, Richie's one and only son was calling me, incessantly, throughout the
night. Finally at 11pm I had "the time" to pick up the phone thinking this must be important (well, of course it was!!)
i said "what up Ian". he said "you know michael jackson died".I will never ever forget that conversation..again, i was a robot, on auto-pilot and tried
hard to be "the adult". i told him "Ian, you know how much your Dad loved Michael Jackson" and Ian, the wise old soul replied "yeah, and now Dad
is with him".
Is there anything in this world that could shatter your heart more than hearing that...
After the conversation with Ian I called our (my and Richie's) dear friend, who is a celebrity in his own right (ie busy, seldom around etc). and contrary
to the usual, he happened to pick up the phone. Naturally, he already knew what had happened, i believe i was the last person to learn the news- from
my 12 year old stepson-while surrounded by major media, wtf, i ask myself.

D asked me to come over to his house without hesitation. he was also at a party, but told me he'll leave and meet me. no fucking press or work mattered then..i left.
Got to darnells absolutely amazing homewas lit up with zillion candles, for MJ and Richie.. Wonderful familiar scent of his home immedieately
brought me back to good times(Richie, I and the few friend from years past),
we sat there til next day talking about Richie and how much we miss him, crying
I found a sanctuary there, by myself as he left town for few days. I holed up, cried and didnt leave his house for 3 days.

thank you darnell, you saved me that night.

"richie, all I wanna do is touch and kiss and wish that i could be with you tonight you give me butterflies tonight"
"Richie: while driving arcoss Brooklyn Bridge, u took my hand and sang "whatever happens dont let go of my hand" ",everything will be alright he assures"
every fucking song brings back beautiful, but such painful memories

Richie was my Knight in a shiny armor, he saved me..and that's a completely another story, going back 17 or so years. Instead of
being my knight he's my guardian angel now. He's so beautiful, so powerful, I thank you my love for watching over me but what now. there's no meaning to life anymore

Couple of people did me so wrong in my life and i always moved on thinking "they'll get theirs".
since a year ago I feel the hate (word i always disliked), but thanks to you motherfucking rotten no good scum of the earth, i feel hate. I want blood,
i wanna see you suffer for the rest of your lives the way i do, and Richie's kids. YOU KILLED THE BEST OF THEM ALL! you nor I, wont know for sure, how you are gonna
pay for it,but, someday, one day, i promise you will, i promise. one day, but this time i wanna see it..
the pain, grief guilt, and never ending sadness and longing you have caused to his family is immeasurable

i live to die to be with you again, my love. miss you so