it's been 6 months and 14 days...

yes, there are lots of good days, but the fact is, that the deepest of sadness, the kind I never knew even existed, and the longing for my soulmate 

and best friend, don't seem to get any less or easier as days go by. 

Not too long after Richie died, I was talkingto Kristina, (Richie's ex mother-in-law) who lost her husband, Jules, last year. I asked her if time heals and eases the despair and sorrow, and her answer was short and clear: no, never. Not the answer I had hoped for, and I now have come to realize what

she meant...

It's the holiday season now.Time to spend with your loved ones-ughh. I was dreading Thanksgiving, but I guess life has to go on, and it did, 

with my "remaining" loved ones.

Chloe and I "slaved away", cooking all day-oh, sorryyyy, Nat did make a yummy stuffing, and I believe some chestnuts did actually make it into the mix, 

and not into her mouth (remember "I love Lucy" at the chocolate factory conveyor belt?)

Anyhow, all day I thought what could I possibly be so grateful for right now??! after such a trying year and unimaginable tragedy.

The obvious, such as good health etc., aside, I told everyone as we sat down to start our dinner "Our lives have been overshadowed by the ultimate loss and gut-wrenching grief but, not a day goes by that I'd forget to thank Richie for this beautiful family I gained!"

That's what I'm forever grateful for.

Only wish he'd be here to be part of our lives. But then again, 

in different ways and without any doubt, we all feel his presence and sense him here, in our lives- and dreams- especially when we most need him. 

He possessed, and has demonstrated he still does, such an awesome spiritual strenght, "the power", as he and I called it. No one really knew about it, as he felt uncomfortable talking about it, to anyone. Richie being so powerful and insightful, even called his own death. I brushed it off knowing he would never commit suicide or leave his most precious, his kids, fatherless. However, I never took in consideration that his death may not be 

his doing, but caused by motherfucking wanna-be-law-enforcement-officers, ought-to-be-law-abiding monsters. Well, let me tell you fucks! Richie was a 

true police officer!, in a world of TRUE crime. Putting his life on the line every single fucking day, defending the helpless and needy. Never a ballbuster, unless warrantied (when faced with REAL scumbags, ok??). That's a cop, you hear, Mass state poopers- you are NOBODY, you are NOTHING!! And if it was up to me-----you'd never see a light of the day again, because I'm out for blood if only...well, let's let you guess...no, actually-  that would be too easy of an exit for you fuckers. I wanna see you live in misery and despair for the rest of your lives, you hear??- the kind you have caused this family, fair?!

Furthermore, to become and be accepted as one of NYPD's elite unit, the Harbor Unit, is close to impossible-without a great record and recommendations from up above. Richie got all that and more. He was never fired, but resigned with honors, pension etc- why, a personal matter, but also, because he was ALL ABOUT honor- and respect!, and overbearing kindness, and humility.

Respect-that word gets thrown out there so freely it's nauseating and has devalued it's meaning, but Richie was one person I know who upheld the true meaning of it- it was my husband's middle name, as they say it. And all he had to do...was to name "a name"-which true to his character he wouldn't, instead, he resigned, ok?! 

How do I know, for sure for sure for sure, as I'm sure some people are asking- because I was there, literally!

I've come across couple of people, who would dared to speak out of line about you, or judged you,or tried to tarnish your character. But these are the unfortunate ones who never got to know you, or are driven by their own malicious objectives. So- that is and has been, and always will be my mission and promise to you-to uphold your legacy and honor, 

as best as I only can, and tell the sometimes insignificant but most beautiful and touching,sometimes funny stories about you - to the selected few..

I miss you, my love. I miss you so much, and still have days, moments when I simply cannot comprehend the fact that you are dead. 

Like I said at your funeral here in VT, "I live for the day I die, and see you again, my love". I truly cannot wait for that day, because, well, my love, I wanna be

at peace too, with you...

Thank you Natasha, Chloe, Daphne, Ian, and Kristina. I do not know what I would have done without your-beautiful-selves. I love you